Nightlight: A Parody by The Harvard Lampoon Inc. Staff

Author:The Harvard Lampoon Inc. Staff
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Tags: Parodies, Humor, Form, General
ISBN: 9781849013338
Publisher: Constable & Robinson Limited
Published: 2009-12-01T04:40:28.511000+00:00

7. THE MULLENS

THE EGGSHELL-COLORED DAWN WOKE ME WITH ITS gentleness. My right leg was in my left armpit. Stuffed Dracula was tucked under my arm comfortingly. Ah, the beginning of another chapter.

I groggily sat up and involuntarily let out a bloodcurdling scream. There was a vampire in my room! And he was screaming, too.

“What’s that on your face?” Edwart shrieked.

“What? What?” I put my fingers to my cheek and felt something sticky. “Oh, that’s just my night moisturizing mask.” The mask made me look like a warrior, bravely fighting facial dryness.

I could see from Edwart’s expression that he was trying to understand. So I wouldn’t be embarrassed, he bent down and took some mud from the bottom of his sneaker and smeared it on his face. He smiled at me. So sweet, I thought. He howled furiously, gnashing his teeth in anger as he wiped the mud out of his eyes. So romantic, I thought.

“How did you get in here?” I asked when he was done flailing.

“I told your dad we had to work on a science project,” he said.

“Now? In the morning?” “It’s one p.m., Belle.”

I remembered that last night I had slept with my head on the floor and my legs on the bed, to prepare for my inevitable life as a bat. At about five a.m. I gave up and slept in a position more fitting to my second career option: Vampire Yoga instructor.

I looked at him suspiciously, through my magnifying glass. “Have you been coming here in secret, night after night, to watch me sleep?”

“No! No! Of course not! That would be so weird! I’ve only been here a few minutes.” Then he added quietly, “You look pretty when you sleep.”

I blushed. My moisturizing mask came with beauty mark stickers, which I had arranged artfully on my face.

“Thanks. Did I … do or say anything?” I asked. I was a known sleep-biter, which was a problem at summer camp, and probably why I liked Edwart. I was also a known sleep-talker. I hoped I hadn’t revealed anything embarrassing, like the fact that sometimes I fall down.

“You said my name,” he said with a little smile.

“Really?”

“Yeah. Well, it was either that or ‘Edwin,’ but why would you say ‘Edwin?’” he laughed.

Suddenly last night’s dream came to me. It was about the one person I’d like to have dinner with, living or dead: U.S. Secretary of War under Lincoln, Edwin Stanton.

“Yeah … weird!” I said guiltily as I got out of bed and went over to the mirror above my desk. My hair looked like a tangled, puffy mess. I decided to leave it. Very Retro 80s chic. “So, what are we going to do today, Edwart?”

“After the science project, you mean?”

“But I thought you made that up so that you could bypass my dad’s background check into whether you are good enough to date me?”

“Oh, he still checked me,” Edwart said with a shiver. “First he washed me vertically with one side of his wiper. Then he dried me horizontally with the other side of his wiper.

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